Mark Clattenburg: The Premier League’s egotistic chump

All hail the Clattenburg

A keen collector of spare media spotlight, Mr Controversy, the celebrity official, the Premier League’s right-hand man, the ruler of the refereeing roost, or even megalomaniac Mark, brand the fame-hungry narcissist whatever you like – but please, NEVER call Mark Clattenburg a competent referee.

Then again, he might well just enjoy it - at least it will give his ego a massage and grab a few lines in the corner of the Sunday Sport. You see, being a man always at the centre of every footballing storm (many of which he himself fashions), Mark enjoys being spread across the mass media more than Sepp Blatter enjoys ‘special handshakes’.

President of FIFA Sepp Blatter shows the BBC's Ore Oduba his 'special handshake'.

And if you don’t believe me, go and watch Mr Battenberg flex his marzipan yourself. Keep your eyes peeled in the build-up to the game he is officiating. Watch those measured pauses as he stops by the touchline during laps around the pitch with fellow officials in his pre-match ‘warm-up’ – there’s always time for a playful smile to the cameras.

Even before he was all over the newspapers and on the TV following the Clattenburg-gate/John Mikel Obi saga, the 37-year had long been settled into his certified role of apple-polishing the Premier League’s elite players. If he’s lucky, his favourite stars even offer compliments back – but, of course, Mark fails to hear them over the sound of his own awesomeness.

"Do you fancy a game of kerby later?"

Unlike the run-of-the-mill referee, Mark is not content to finish a game without spending a large part of it having a giggle with Wayne Rooney or chucking a witless anecdote in the way of Frank Lampard. In fact, I'm beginning to feel sorry for Mr Clattenburg, he seems to forget that he can’t have his FIFA-blessed cake AND eat it.

Maybe it is time for Clattenburg to concentrate on doing exactly what he is paid to do – and effectively referee. However, he seems to struggle with that. Let us walk through the destruction left in the wake of Mark’s years of refereeing blunders so far and recall how his rise from zero to zero began.

Back in 2005 it was our very own Mark who failed to spot Manchester United keeper Roy Carroll fumbling Pedro Mendes’ lob well over the line, much to Sir Alex Ferguson’s delight. The Portuguese midfielder’s ‘goal’ provoked widespread outrage as many made a mockery of Clattenburg and his cronies for their lack of, well, eyes.

The ' ghost goal' that never stood at Old Trafford

And in 2007, Mark appeared to take the view of his good mate Steven Gerrard into consideration when taking charge of the Merseyside derby. Clattenburg was initially reaching for a yellow card for Everton defender Tony Hibbert, but after the Liverpool midfielder had stern words with him, keeping his friends close, Mark immediately upgraded the card to a red.

The County Durham-born referee hit the headlines again in December 2009. The press reported Clattenburg had allegedly asked the Manchester City bench: "How do you work with Craig Bellamy all week?" before then booking the Welsh frontman twice, the second for diving, although replays suggested he was actually fouled.

At Old Trafford in 2010 Mark was also in the middle, allowing United winger Nani to take advantage of a peculiar mistake by Spurs goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes, who thought his side were awarded a free-kick. Nani tapped the ball into the empty net and Clattenburg refused to rule out the goal.

More recently, the referee was cleared of racial abuse by the FA after accusations made by Chelsea midfielder Mikel following the clash between Manchester United and Chelsea at Stamford Bridge last October.

The whole incident developed after Javier Hernandez was allowed to score for United from a clearly offside position and Clattenburg failed to rule out the goal. Earlier in the match the referee had also incorrectly dismissed Chelsea striker Fernando Torres for simulating contact.

Despite his faults, as long as the world of high-class football continues to be associated with glistening Bentleys and diamond-clad watches, one thing is for sure, our favourite referee will be somewhere to be found - batting his eyelashes amidst the glitz and glamour of football’s greatest league.

Let’s just hope that one day, he can start being as fruitful in officiating as he is in tomfoolery.

Can Edgar Davids stamp his mark on the Football League?

Davids was capped for the Netherlands 74 times.

After a glittering career spanning almost twenty years playing at the highest level of world football, veteran Dutch midfielder Edgar Davids has hit the headlines again by announcing a return to the game as player coach at League Two side Barnet.

For me, and indeed many other football fans, Edgar Davids is a man that epitomises that sentimental admiration we still hold deep inside for the players that were viewed as ‘the untouchables’ throughout the footballing word in the 1990s. Players that were plastered in every magazine, all over the television and even on the packaging of the food we ate.

Because of course, the multi-talented midfielder was not just famous for his skills on the pitch. His famous dreadlocks and later protective glasses to guard against glaucoma also made him one of the most recognisable players in the history of the game.

After leaving Ajax in 2008 following a return to the Amsterdam club where he began his career, Davids slowly fizzled out of the limelight for a while. And it wasn’t until 2010 when the Dutchman resurfaced, this time at Crystal Palace on a pay-as-you-play deal that saw him feature in just six games before announcing his retirement at the age of 37.

Two years on from that and the creative midfielder is back at his local football club Barnet. However, it is a world away from the glitz of Ajax, Juventus, Tottenham and AC Milan, with the Bees currently slumped bottom of the League Two table with a mere three points from their first 11 games.

Davids has signed for the London club in a one-year deal as joint coach with current manager Mark Robson. The club’s website revealed that the contract could see Davids deployed to the field of play and said that Davids had ‘expressed a serious intent to become a member of the playing squad.’

With results escaping Barnet at the moment the arrival of a player with such an illustrious career behind him can only boost morale around the club. Davids will not only bring experience, but will also set a fine example to what is a young Barnet side.

Some may argue that his playing days are over, but at what age does the body decide it is too fatigued to compete professionally anymore? If players like Alessandro Del Piero, Paul Scholes, David Beckham and Ryan Giggs can still compete at the highest level, then surely Davids can make the fourth-tier of English football look like a walk in the park.

In terms of management the 39-year-old is new, but he does hold an important backlog of knowledge learnt under multiple managers, not just in this country but abroad too. If Davids can transfer his expertise quickly then Barnet will find they have discovered a hidden gem.

However, it may just be another tale of a player who is tired of twiddling his thumbs after leaving the beautiful game. For Barnet’s sake at least, let’s hope Davids is made for management.