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All hail the Clattenburg |
A keen collector of spare media spotlight, Mr Controversy,
the celebrity official, the Premier League’s right-hand man, the ruler of the
refereeing roost, or even megalomaniac Mark, brand the fame-hungry narcissist
whatever you like – but please, NEVER call Mark Clattenburg a competent referee.
Then again, he might well just enjoy it - at least it will
give his ego a massage and grab a few lines in the corner of the Sunday Sport. You
see, being a man always at the centre of every footballing storm (many of which
he himself fashions), Mark enjoys being spread across the mass media more than
Sepp Blatter enjoys ‘special handshakes’.
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President of FIFA Sepp Blatter shows the BBC's Ore Oduba his 'special handshake'. |
And if you don’t believe me, go and watch Mr Battenberg flex
his marzipan yourself. Keep your eyes peeled in the build-up to the game he is officiating.
Watch those measured pauses as he stops by the touchline during laps around the
pitch with fellow officials in his pre-match ‘warm-up’ – there’s always time
for a playful smile to the cameras.
Even before he was all over the newspapers and on the TV
following the Clattenburg-gate/John Mikel Obi saga, the 37-year had long been
settled into his certified role of apple-polishing the Premier League’s elite
players. If he’s lucky, his favourite stars even offer compliments back – but,
of course, Mark fails to hear them over the sound of his own awesomeness.
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"Do you fancy a game of kerby later?" |
Unlike the run-of-the-mill referee, Mark is not content to
finish a game without spending a large part of it having a giggle with Wayne
Rooney or chucking a witless anecdote in the way of Frank Lampard. In fact, I'm beginning to feel sorry for Mr Clattenburg, he seems to forget that he can’t have
his FIFA-blessed cake AND eat it.
Maybe it is time for Clattenburg to concentrate on doing
exactly what he is paid to do – and effectively referee. However, he seems to
struggle with that. Let us walk through the destruction left in the wake of
Mark’s years of refereeing blunders so far and recall how his rise from zero to zero
began.
Back in 2005 it was our very own Mark who failed to spot
Manchester United keeper Roy Carroll fumbling Pedro Mendes’ lob well over the
line, much to Sir Alex Ferguson’s delight. The Portuguese midfielder’s ‘goal’
provoked widespread outrage as many made a mockery of Clattenburg and his
cronies for their lack of, well, eyes.
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The ' ghost goal' that never stood at Old Trafford |
And in 2007, Mark appeared to take the view of his good mate
Steven Gerrard into consideration when taking charge of the Merseyside derby.
Clattenburg was initially reaching for a yellow card for Everton defender Tony
Hibbert, but after the Liverpool midfielder had stern words with him, keeping
his friends close, Mark immediately upgraded the card to a red.
The County Durham-born referee hit the headlines again in
December 2009. The press reported Clattenburg had allegedly asked the Manchester
City bench: "How do you work with Craig Bellamy all week?" before
then booking the Welsh frontman twice, the second for diving, although replays
suggested he was actually fouled.
At Old Trafford in 2010 Mark was also in the middle,
allowing United winger Nani to take advantage of a peculiar mistake by Spurs
goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes, who thought his side were awarded a free-kick. Nani tapped
the ball into the empty net and Clattenburg refused to rule out the goal.
More recently, the referee was cleared of racial abuse by
the FA after accusations made by Chelsea midfielder Mikel following the clash
between Manchester United and Chelsea at Stamford Bridge last October.
The whole incident developed after Javier Hernandez was
allowed to score for United from a clearly offside position and Clattenburg
failed to rule out the goal. Earlier in the match the referee had also incorrectly
dismissed Chelsea striker Fernando Torres for simulating contact.
Despite his faults, as long as the world of high-class
football continues to be associated with glistening Bentleys and diamond-clad
watches, one thing is for sure, our favourite referee will be somewhere to be
found - batting his eyelashes amidst the glitz and glamour of football’s
greatest league.
Let’s just hope that one day, he can start being as fruitful in
officiating as he is in tomfoolery.